As self-elimination trends around the world, we offer our Consoomer Reports guide to the best (and worst) suicide machines, in VOL 16. Which brand is right for you and your loved ones? We break it all down before you break down into carbon and nitrogen.
The TSINGLING SONGBIRD:
This economy import model from Tsingling Industrial Foam and Plastic Works #7, China has the right price tag, but as they say, you get what you pay for.
The Songbird’s full-plastic housing lacks stability, and the product tested poorly with heifers and fatties. Sadly the patented incineration coil lacks the oomph for even moderate jobs.
If you’ve gotta go, why not take someone you love with you? That’s the stroke of genius behind Schwanson’s family-friendly Togethra model. The spacious capsule lobby offers room for four, with A/C, beverage holders,
cushioned interior and entertainment console, plus a
25” flat-screen with streaming entertainment services.
Rotating depositor system loads remains in a composting bin located on the underside, making this one of the most environmentally friendly models available on the market.