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This Pandemic is these pathetic peoplx whole identity!!!

By Doreen Trudeau,

The alt-right are literally obsessed with COVID. You can see it on Twitter (if Elongated Muskrat won’t respect pronouns then I’ll deadname his dying platform), where decent folx are hounded and shamed for tweets that were made during the early days of the pandemic. It doesn’t matter if the content of the tweet is not as clear as it could have been in hindsight, it was right at the time, and that’s all that matters.


Just last week, a tweet I made during 2021 explaining how I would never catch COVID since I was vaccinated was dragged up by some anti-vax troll as some sort of “gotcha” after I rightfully pointed out that no one had ever claimed the jabs were 100% safe or effective. I spent the next twelve hours scrunching my face up, shaking my head, scoffing, rolling my eyes, and throwing my arms up in the air in exasperation as I tried to think of a clever comeback. Eventually, I decided the plague-rat wasn’t worth my precious time, and blocked him, winning the argument.

Soon after, my DMs were flooded with Russian bots. Smirking behind several layers of masks and a waterfall of tears streaming down my face, I hammered out several laughing-emoji laden tweets, going into extensive detail about how little I cared about the barrage of abuse and negative attention I was now getting. “Why can’t these chuds just move on!? ” I enquired, genuinely puzzled.


This question lingered in my head for a few days so I began to do more research into the phenomena, working backwards from a clinical, unbiased and impartial conclusion like any good investigative journalist or herstorian would. The obvious confirmation of my bias was that these people are just brainwashed Qanon troglodytes and poopy-heads, parroting anti-mask, anti-vax conspiracy theories and memes that they had read on Facebook.

After observing multiple anti-mask communities from afar, I decided the best way to gain useful insight on their behavior was to go undercover. I made a throwaway chameleon-like Reddit account – u/TransphobicMaskHater1488 – and joined one of their subreddits. I made the following post:

Despite my extremely subtle approach and clever disguise, I was immediately rumbled by the moderators and other users. My post was taken down and I was banned from the subreddit straight away (I thought they hated censorship!?). It was a relief anyway, as even just posing as one of those Nazis for a brief moment made my nip-scars burn (I’m like a trans Harry Potter! Transpecto Patronum!). I don’t know how but they could evidently sense the bigotry and evil coursing through me.

Scrolling through those right-wing echo-chambers felt like wading through gallons of raw sewage; a feeling I have become very accustomed to due to my full time hobby as an amateur COVID wastewater analyst. As I shut the lid of my laptop last night, I felt like prison escapee Andy Dufrense at the end of The Shawshank Redemption. Ironic, considering Tim Robbins is a raging anti-vaxxer.


I’m sad to report however that I’m no closer to figuring out why these fucking plague-rats are still so mad at us and our inclusive, loving and tolerent ways. Mistakes were made on both sides (much more so on theirs though, obviously). It was a time of great crisis. No one had all the facts, which is why speculation and theories of the wrong kind had to be shut down. Folx were dying, and we did the best we could to save lives. Even if that meant ending more lives in the long run.

The point is, it’s pointless to hold a grudge. You can’t hold good folx accountable for things they said or did during the past (unless they’re right-wing bigots or alleged sexual predators, that is). Maybe – strong emphasis on the word “maybe” here – the unvaccinated were treated somewhat unfairly, but no worse than BIPOC and trans folx, and you don’t hear them going on about it all the time, do you?! As the bigger SHE/THEM, I hereby forgive them for being upset at us for totally, like no reason.

Besides, we have more pressing matters to contend with, like the war in Ukraine, the climate crisis, and Russell Brand’s Genghis Khan style rape spree. The worst of COVID is likely behind us now. If there’s a spike in cases, I’m agreeable to a harmless two week lockdown, or even a cheeky mask mandate if the situation is perilous enough. That’s just the reality we live in now. Those with an unhealthy obsession with COVID are doomed to die from it unless they adapt to the new normal. Kick and scream all you like, the past you knew is dead and there’s nothing you can do about it.


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