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WHITE HOUSE MANDATES DYED HAIR

Traditional hair poses a dire threat to the environment

FLIP CITY NEWS: This week the White House mandated dyed hair as a condition of employment for companies nationwide with over 100 employees, as well as companies with exactly or under 100 employees.

“So-called natural hair color designations, like blonde and brunette, have been shoved in the public’s face for too long, disenfranchising those of non-binary hair color, and reaffirming prejudices and division,” stated redhead Jen Psaki.

"These are also environmental factors to be concerned about, as scientists have recently confirmed that bright, punky colors can actually help offset our global carbon footprint," adding, "also, there's the matter of national security."

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