top of page

More Laughs

Join Our Newsletter and Get a FREE Digital Edition!


Good think for good progressives by Auntie Fascist

Well, readers, it's that time of the year once again to ring in Whatsmas cheer! As far as the term by which most people refer to December 25th (the pagan holiday stolen from us by you-know-who), your dear old Auntie Fascist doesn't even dignify that phonetic sequence and millennial-old symbol of male oppression.

But this year-end provides the perfect opportunity to exorcise this perennial demon from our lives for good! And athough we've been promising this for years (while mocking those who noticed, teehee), it is truly now the time for You-Know-Whatsmas to finally go quietly into the rubbish heap of history along with George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and all their boys' club buddies.

Let me take a moment to applaud the American hero who valiantly set fire to the 50-foot You-Know-Whatsmas tree outside the FOX network's studios last week. Let me tell you, Auntie hasn't worn a grin that big since her last twin abortion. And Orange McOrangeface has to the nerve to say that foreign countries don't send their best and brightest? I must protest! Next time you're bent on erecting a public phallic symbol of male hegemony, maybe pick one that doesn't resemble the Jolly Green Giant's pubic hair? The only thing that could make your good Auntie's heart grow three times bigger would be to see the entire FOX studio given the same treatment!

But Auntie, what can I do? That's simple, just follow these instructions without questioning Auntie:

  1. At family gatherings, quickly gather all seasonal decorations, empty stockings, tinsel, light strands and remove them from the premises. Of course, prioritize religious iconography, esp. nativity scenes. Remind your family members that you will show zero tolerance for their xenophobia.

  2. Insist on entertainment that avoids gender stereotyping and promotes trans inclusion, and absolutely NO music from before 1990.

  3. Removal of the tree will likely be a bone of contention. If you cannot guilt the family into submission via accusations of neo-colonialism, try making a case for its carbon footprint.

Follow Auntie's advice and you too can triumph this seasonal season

while you give You-Know-Whatsmas a good punch to the gut. Muaw!


bottom of page